I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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