A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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