I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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