One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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