i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He passed out mid-signature
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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