And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
