Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
