does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
