I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
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