Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize