i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
