i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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