Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
