Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
