just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
