When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
