I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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