Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Randomize