Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
