im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
