If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
