I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
