rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
