is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
