mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
whose parrot is this?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
