just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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