just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
and you fell through a lawn chair
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
