So drunk, too bad you don't want this
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
