His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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