I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
