Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
