How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize