Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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