gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You made out with two different species that night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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