You're completely useless in the revolution.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
