plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
