My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
