Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
