Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
