your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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