My Higher Power is John Stamos
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
