I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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