Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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