Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
