Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
