and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
