Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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