Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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