I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
