You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
