Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
