We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I touched a dick in church today
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
