Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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