so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My dad just said "fuck circus"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize