I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
