the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just had sex bonerless
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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