i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
