I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize