my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
